Switch of a Lifetime
by Paradox de la Paladino
Summary: What would happen if Altair and Ezio accidentally switched places? This will be very amusing to those that have played the game especially those who, as I, have played it too much .


What would happen if Altair and Ezio switched time periods? If you've played the game, you'll enjoy this.

* * *

"Oh no! No no no! How could this happen?" Lucy yelled in frustration as she smacked the Animus. Shaun turned around and lifted his glasses.

"What the bloody hell happened?"

"They switched," Lucy answered in a low whisper as she collapsed near the Animus.

"Who switched? Switched what?"

"Ezio and Altair switched places. I must have not properly de-bugged the Animus . . ." Lucy's words trailed off as she began to count all the possibilities of what went wrong . . .

* * *

"I'm poor and sick and hungry! Could you spare any change, sir?" a woman begged as she ran up to Ezio.

"Excusé?"

"Do you have any change?" the woman persisted. Ezio started to smirk as devious thoughts ran through his mind.

"I could help you, I think," He purred as he moved his arm to encircle the woman's waist. "So, where is it you live?"

* * *

"What sorcery is this?" Altair barked, alerting passersby. Upon instinct, Altair grabbed the nearest person next to him, who happened to be a guard, and barked his question.

"E-excusé, sir, but I have n-no idea what you mean!" stammered the guard, who gazed upon Altair as sinners do upon a devil . . .or Altair.

"What year is this!" Altair practically yelled in the guards face as he grabbed the hem of the guard's tunic.

"1476, sir! Please let me go!"

Altair promptly dropped the guard, more so in shock rather than human kindness. Before he could stab the next person, he felt an arm encircle his own.

"Signore, you look so tense, maybe I can help you?" Altair slightly backed away from the rather scantily clad woman – well, scantily compared to what he was used to.

"I don't think—"

"Well, maybe not one, but surely the two of us can help you," another courtesan hummed in his ear. Before Altair could protest he was being dragged away by the two women. The great Altair could escape from guards, pugnacious horses and even wayward eagles, but like any other man, he could not escape the charm of two sexy women.

* * *

"You unfaithful man!" a woman yelled as she hurled a pot at Ezio.

"Excusé!" dodging the vase, Ezio replied. "You must mistake me for someone else!"

"Oh trust me, I'm not! There's only one flamboyant idiot running around here!"

"Don't throw vases at him! He's my future husband!" yelled another woman.

"What are you talking about? He cannot be your husband! He made love to me this morning!" a third answered haughtily.

"What! He made love to ime/i this morning!" With a sudden realization, the three women turned to look at Ezio.

"Yes! Let's find the unfaithful man and beat him!" Ezio proclaimed, pretending like he didn't know that he was the target.

"We're going to make you pay!" one of the women yelled as the three of them each picked up some blunt object and began their chase after Ezio.

"Oh Dio!" Ezio yelled as he began to climb crates.

* * *

Between sheets that smelled of lavender, Altair lay in bed, in all his naked glory with his eyes wide open. Two beautiful women were curled up on either side of him.

"That was wonderful, mi amore!" exclaimed one of the courtesans as she drew closer to Altair.

"I love a man who is so passionate!" declared a second as she started to trace sensual circles on Altair's bare chest.

"I finally understand now," the first real words Altair had spoken in hours since he arrived in Florence.

"What, mi amore?" asked Claudette.

"What the phrase means."

"What phrase, amore?" Sophia nonchalantly asked as she continued to trace circles in Altair's chest.

"Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."

* * *

Falling through a thatched roof, Ezio landed with a thud on the ground in front of a man dressed in white.

"Altair? No, you can't be. Are you an assassin?" the man asked quietly.

"Of course I am! Could you not tell by my clothes?" Ezio remarked as he stood up and patted away dust from his clothes.

"Oh, sorry, I was waiting for Altair. I have some information for his next mission but I need him to run an errand for me."

"What kind of information?"

"Oh his next target, Talal."

"Ok, give me the information."

"I can't do that! You have to do my errand first!"

"Why can't you do it?"

"My back hurts," the informer slouched over slightly as if to accentuate that fact. Ezio furrowed his eyebrows

"Let me get this straight, you have information that maybe is NOT useful at all, but you're going to make me work for it anyway. Also, you are making me doiyour/i errand, si?"

"Well, something like that, yes," the informer replied, not observing Ezio's obvious irritation. Ezio promptly kicked the informer in the back.

"You back is fixed, si?"

"No, now it hurts more!" the informer cowered away from Ezio. Ezio cracked his knuckles and locked onto his prey.

"I do not know who 'Talal' is, but your "information" intrigues me, amico!"

* * *

"You come back and visit us!" the two women cooed at Altair as he walked away from the brothel. He didn't know why he was here or where ihere/i even was, but he liked it. He was so busy finding the nine assassination targets assigned to him that he hadn't had a chance to get laid in . . . years. Seriously, he deserved to have some fun. He didn't even get to eat unless he assassinated someone. Lost in his thoughts, Altair absent-mindedly ran into a strange man wearing long robes, a strange head-covering and a beak.

"What sorcery is this – and why shouldn't I kill you?" Altair asked as he flicked his hidden blade out.

"Signore! I'm a doctor! I dress this way because of the plague!" the doctor edged away from Altair, backing into a wall. Altair stood still, examining the doctor. Then, he reached forward and yanked off the beak, observing it.

"Ah! Give that back!" the doctor exclaimed as covered his face with his hands. Altair looked up at the doctor.

"You're not that ugly, why do you wear such a thing?"

"I told you it's because of the plague!"

Altair put the beak on, poking it here and there. "I feel no safer," he said. "We have plague in my times, too."

"Of course you do! Everyone has the plague now-a-days! Where are you from anyway? Napoli!* You heathens!" the doctor exclaimed as he snatched the beak away from Altair. Easily distracted, Altair has already forgotten the doctor and looked up at the roofs.

"What strange orange roofs, I've never seen such things," Altair trailed off as he left the doctor and began climbing a wall.

* * *

Armed with information about someone he knew nothing about, Ezio decided to explore this strange city just a little more. After all, he remembered reading about Jerusalem, but never had a chance to see it for himself. A little ways in front of him he saw another one of those beggar women.

Calmly, Ezio walked up behind her and stole a few coins. Feeling something the woman turned around.

"Did you just steal from me? Guards!" in a matter of seconds, five guards surrounded him and started chanting, "Thief! Thief! You are thief!" before withdrawing their blades.

"Oh Dio!" Ezio cried out, "You must be mistaken!"

"Get him!"

Skillfully avoiding their blades, Ezio managed to climb a ladder and began running from rooftop to rooftop. Ezio was feeling rather proud how he had skillfully avoided the guards. His victory was short-lived when he stepped without looking and ended up falling through a very badly thatched roof.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Florence, Altair kept himself busy by tearing off roof tiles and examining them. He was sitting on what used to be a nice roof, but now had a giant hole in the center, where at least fifteen tiles were missing. Altair had long since piled them on each other in order to more thoroughly observe them.

"What sort of clay is this?" Altair wondered aloud.

"Hey! You shouldn't be here!" A guard pointed at Altair. Altair slowly looked towards the guard's direction before sprinting at him and then stabbing him in the throat with his hidden blade. As he was walking back to his tiles he spotted a very odd looking haystack. He did a leap of faith and ended up in a red-orange pile of leaves.

"Are these leaves? They're so bright and beautiful!" were Altair's last thoughts aloud before he went deeper into the pile of leaves. He decided to take a nap.

* * *

"What is this?" Ezio asked as he lifted his glass away from him in disgust.

"That would be water. You've never seen water before?" the barkeep asked Ezio, regarding him as a dumb tourist.

"Si, water I have seen, but it is a more blue color, but this, this is . . . yellow," Ezio continued to observe his glass with one eye.

"Yeah, well that's all we have – take it or leave it," the barkeep retorted as he continued to wipe the bar with a very dirty and old rag.

"I think I will pass this time," Ezio said as he cautiously put the glass back on the counter. He got off his stool and went outside.

"Please someone help me!"

Ezio looked around for the voice. He spotted a man in white robes being pushed around by a few guards.

"Well, that's just not nice," Ezio furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms. He ran at the guards and took two of them out instantly with his double hidden blades. He then drew his sword and easily dispatched the other two guards.

"Thank! Thank you! I only wish my son were half as brave as you!"

"Why only half?" Ezio wondered.

"Because, well, because you're so brave it would be hard for them to be as brave as you!" the old man replied, surprised at the question.

"Do you have any daughters?"

"No, why?"

"Pity," Ezio replied before he turned around and continued on his way. Ezio had not gone five meters before he heard another cry for help, this time from a woman.

* * *

Yawning, Altair slowly climbed out of the leaves and reemerged on the sidewalk. He began to walk around, looking around slowly, taking in the beauty of his surroundings.

As he passed a wall, he noticed that there was a poster on there. On the poster was a portrait of him.

"What a nice portrait!" Altair said out loud as he took the poster, folded it and placed it somewhere within the confines of his tunic. He continued to walk around, bumping into a few people here and there because had dropped his cautious attitude more for a curious one.

* * *

"Now that's more like it!" Ezio rushed forward in order to help the distressed woman. With ease, he dispatched the guards.

"Thank you! Don't think I couldn't have done that myself, but—"

"Ezio cut off the woman by saying, "I don't think so, otherwise you wouldn't be standing there just yelling 'help'," Ezio replied, slightly irritated.

"Well, I will let my brothers know what you have done," the woman answered, at a loss for words.

"What do I need your brothers for? Tell your sisters!" Ezio looked around, "Hey! Why didn't your brothers save you – there are five of them!"

"Well . . . I . . . I don't know," the woman awkwardly answered.

"Doesn't matter, I love saving women in distress! How would you like to go on a date?"

"Well . . . I have a husband, actually, so I can't," the woman replied, feeling even more uncomfortable.

"What? And where was he when you were being attacked! Oh Dio! This place!" Ezio strutted away in a huff.

* * *

Note:

*When Ezio climbs walls in the games, the people below sometimes make comments. One of the comments I remember hearing was, "Where is he from? Napoli!" Anyone catch that? :)

* * *

Author's Note:

This was just an idea that came to me. I took the picture above as I was playing the game. Please leave a comment letting me know if I should continue this.


End file.
